suenas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eWj3SNJ52U

Love is .... not retarded!

I often thought love is retarded. But it's not. Sometimes just grows on retarded pieces and those retarded pieces make you act retarded sometimes.

Love is when you exercise loving someone without reasons and despite its flaws.  without benefits and beyond prejudice.

Rather weird to talk about love on this blog since I never loved (nor could ever) the person made me create it. No doubt I was in love extremely strong. They not the same. For instance when I love i want to carry the story of that love till the last seconds of my life on my body. Eternally. Hence my Chinese tat on my back and the wedding ring on my finger. 2 tattoos 2 loves. Plus when I love i never dies, I never stopped loving them, love only transformed. It is not romantic anymore for neither S or A, but the affection will never die on me. Getting a tat inspired by feeling i had for C is so illogical and ridiculous never crossed my mind till now. I would never do such, would be self desecration of my body, instead of a forever body jewelry of a story meant the world for me.

The reason i explained love to me is that i want to apply it upon the person which i was in love it. despite the fact that i don't love him. despite the fact i will not ever respect him. when i love i wouldn't say to the loved person "are you retarded?". my first instinct when an email was answered was to reply with the question "are you retarded?" rhetorically. Why would you write me in English if English it's not your mother language and you are not addressing to a foreigner . I didn't reply to the email and good for me. Doesn't mean I don't still think it's retarded, but I applied the principles of love and I didn't offend. Now I am not saying i think he is retarded, but very often his way of doing things is extrem,ly retarded. Love is kind. I wouldn't say also things I truly believe and I did actually say like"Your good lucking take care of that as you are not very bright." He is not actually lol, besides some general culture info a monkey could reproduce or a trained parrot he lacks creativity, sense of humor(rare event when one of his jokes made me laugh, sometimes when he made jokes i was staring in his eyes thinking oh my God, he is so stupid. or he is so beautiful until he opens his mouth), willingness (very lazy person and a perpetual underachiever), lack of tact(this person have the diplomatic skills of a buffalo. delicacy is displayed by him only when he closes himself and stays silent.).

Saying all these things to him is pointless. And rude. Indulging his presence  into my writing or the feelings I had is an act of stupidity on my part. This feeling was always better without him even if it was  meant for him.  You're excused (actually thank you for not participating even passive), now you have plenty  time to write more retarded emails in English.

o papadie

might have been a   tiny bit bitchy in my last text. i know the kid understood i never respected him bla bla bla. oh well i am such a bitch in such level i now how to stir, what button to push. dun mean that  i wasnt real about tales  of love and bla bla with the kid. it's just i was a bitch before he was my kid. he knows that still love him and if he found a girl making me happy me wishinn him, truly  desire to be happy, and to share his space with a lady. self centered prick you do that. (i  am allowed to say some words as i find out that one's bday is a card to use however u can say fuck off, thank you,blabla)
so fck you  n love you

Beauty song, beauty lyrics

had to share something in this corner in such a beauty day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7C2s1WHqsQ&feature=youtu.be

Selfless

As I just mentioned  on my other blog how i see that true feelings are selfless, therefore real and pure. Why do I feel what I feel? Because I've chosen you. won't be able to name the particular moment even if when i measure timing  with switz clock precision. you never met the calculated cold blooded viper in me( i was that only with people trying to buy me off, me taking everything, giving nothing). hey yet again I never intended you too know that person. BUT I HAVE CHOSEN YOU, if you would have been more or less towards me wouldn't have meant a damn thing, simply you have no merit of what my feelings raised to be. i was born with values that hardly exists as loyalty, faithful, pure love, etc

u know the word don't hate the player hate the game. well i am not that vain to say i invented it, but damn straight I mastered it before you. Believe me i knew the rules before you and applied them before you endless times: talk of you little, feel less, whatever u start feel, display nothing. bla bla bla.

Feelings I have for you were beautiful, pure and above all loyal. were never submitted by any repay.  however doesn't make u worthy. i do not respect you, never did to be frank, i could not ever taken you seriously. never will for that matter.i respected more ur roommate even if i thk i saw his twice by the fact that he offered me a ride when he saw me upset exiting ur place (was a gent not to insist,  i tend to resent people which catch me in a vulnerable moment) and well cause his was a job which means something. not that wannabe job, a similar with mine in which i supplied a backup for like 2-3 persons constantly and i still arrived late and left early.

if you are not worthy you are not contemned either. doesn't mean my inlove was less is that i was built with some values no longer applicable , but not sucker enough to surrender to all by default. looking backwards to you i will see always something i've given, blindly, like a charity case, nothing shared, nothing asked, nothing received, just a selfless act of my kindness. i must conclude by saying i wish you well! i do, not you related!

cum sa pictezi iubirea

m-am intors de ceva vreme catre o foarte veche  pasiune a mea, pictatul. daca atunci cand era veche nu era deloc relaxare, ci ambitie de a invata si perfectiona, acum e stricta relaxare. nu poate fi altfel ca oricat as incerca nu ar fi la fel. insomnia, viciile, stilul de viata din ultimii ani de care m-am lecuit aproape de tot, oricum mi-a lasat un mic tremurat al degetelor, insesizabil, dar care ma face sa nu mai am precizie. cel putin nu as putea sa fac un portret de calitate oricat m-as chinui sau retusa(cand eram mica pictam icoane pe sticla).

oricum m-am gandit sa am closure cu copilul si sa pictez ceva ce reprezinta ceea ce simteam eu pentru el. si daca nu m-as lecui macar ar iesi ceva dragut, cel putin creativ. si apoi m-a izgit cel mai greu lucru  din lume cum sa vizualizezi sau reprezinti printr-o imagine stare de a fi indragostit. habar nu am  de 3 zile ma gandesc cand mai am ceva timp liber strict din punct de vdere universal. apoi si mai greu cum sa creez ceva ce reprezinta indragostelea ASTA a mea. cum sa o personalizez . am zis sa incep cu ceva mai simplu o imagine care sa ma duca cu gandul la iubire punct. multe imagini mi-au venit in minte, dar mi-am dat seama ca sunmt dragoste pentru natura ori viata, nicidecum pentru o alta persoana. asa ca am dat search pe google si am pus images si am pus love. mda pe langa inimi din petale, inimi facute din nori si cupluri imbratisate sau sarutandu-se pe plaja in asfintit, o serie de clisee(poate dragut, dar real numai daca locuisti la mare). sau cupluri intre asternuturi care nici macar nu are legatura cu iubirea, ci cu pasiunea. e  drept poti sa simti iubirea mai ales intre asternuturi, dar nu este o imagine reprezentativa.sau cel putin nu o vad eu asa. singura cat de cat reala si care mi s-a parut naturala eram un cuplu in care ea ii sarea lui in brate pe undeva pe un peron. decorul era spontan, sentimentul lor se observa in mijlocului oamenilor, bagajelor, miscarii. in fine era ceva ce parea natural. dar parca nu de ajuns si totat nepotrivit mie, ca nu ne-am astepteat vreunul pe altul pe vreun peron.

am schimbat si am scris '''in love'' in loc de love. cupluri in  sarut una dupa alt5a...hmmmm. imi pierdeam rabdarea scroll scrool pana ce am dat de o poza: un cupidon dragut, ingeras strivit de asfalt , cu  ceafa in sus, lovit la pamant de probabil propria sageata(asvea in spate infipta o sageata). poza epica caren m-a facut sa privesc asa ceva timp serioasa si apoi m-a facut sa rad cu pofta. daca as mai avea caterinca de alta data as picta asta si i-as trimite-o la birou printru curier  lol.lesne de zis nu am gasit nimic.

si atunci m-am intrebat oare cand ma simteam eu indragostita de el. ei  bine ma simteam indragostita cand ii treceam cu degetele  prin ceafa cand se punea sa doarma. cand il vedea cum manac in timpul pranzului(in caz de anemie sau macar pofta de mancare tb sa iei masa cu el, manca cu pofta, savureaza. eu sunt sicitrita cand mananc de multe ori, ma rog indiferenta, gasesc mai multa placere in a gati decat a manca), cand imi cerea mereub aspirina sau paracetamol, cand mi-a imprumutat mp3, cand eram asa satisfacut si ganditor dupa ce am facuit dragoste ca ma tinea gol cu un brat in timp nce mangaia cu cealalta mana pisocu ce-l izgonea mereu din pat de obicei), cand voiam sa ma isoteasca la o tigara si imi zicea mereu sa ii aduc o cafeluta, desi el nu bea cafea doar posirca aia de ceai sau ciocolata de la tonomat, cand imi trimitea melodii care ii placeau, cand ne certam moderat(nu atunci cand ne insultam si scoteam ochii ca 2 dusmani), cand mi-a zis ca  da foc nu mai stiu exact daca mie sau unui i8nel al meu loooolz ( treceam prin perioada love de way u lie), cand ne-am intalnit sa ia prajiturele de ziua lui. ma rog. oricum amintiri, dar nimic vizual incat sa pot compune un tablou care sa iti trasmite ceva.

how the fuck do u lay down being in love?

ar  trebui sa explic ca nu stiu ce mi se intampla cu baiatul asta. chiar nu inteleg. am iubit de 2 ori in viata asta am fost indragostita de doua ori. ce simetrie frumoasa! si o frumoasa coincidenta astfel incat nevoia mea e sa am detin lucrurile esentiale in duplicat: doua telefoane, doua pc-uri, 2 becuri de rezerva, etc, etc.(hey nu doi amanti, dupa cum nu simt nevoia sa detin 2 mame, vorbeam strict de posesii). sa revenim la idee 2 indragostiri si 2  iubiri. ei toate au fost la fel de intense, dar diferit, evident destinatarul era diferit. ce e diferit cu copilul meu: ei bine dupa plecari, intoarce, distante, neauzit, negandit la el, el imi revine mereu. ca pasiune. hell mi-a revenit dupa 1,6 ani de stay single by choice; sa o pun in alti  termeni  e singurul  din ex file cu care as mai face dragoste odata. si ma gandeam o vreme e e doar pentru ca ultima oara nu s-a simtit bine. si  nu e de asta. poate ca te-ai gandi ca ai trece peste cand ultima intalnire a fost ce trebuia din partea amandurora, dar efectiv nu e asta. ne-am simtit prea bine intim  sa ramai agatat  de asa maruntis.

si doar el. adica nu simt aceasta nevoie cu prima indragosteala, ci doar cu el. nu simt asa nevoie nici cu cele 2 iubiri. stiu ca suna a nonsensn,dar sa iubesti si sa fii indragostit nu sunt acelasi lucru. chiar nu sunt. ok nevoia asta nu mi-am exsprimat-o de mult si cand am exprimat-o vorbea alcoolul din mine, dar nevoia e acolo. si doar cu el. si sunt singura femeie fara caterica perfect fericita si neacrita de una singura si e singurul magnet care e activ. oarecum in stare latenta. copil esti Vezuviul meu